dope machines

The Airborne Toxic Event | Dope Machines

This will be refreshing. I’ve had to look for the positives lately, but no softening the blow this time. No split decisions where I love half of the album. Nope. And no goddamn loyalty pulling at me, or being torn about how I feel, or even trying to give credit for experimentation. I quite simply, hate this fucking album. It is as the French would say, pure fucking garbage. It may be a sad attempt to connect with keyboard driven California pop bullshit that indie kids are beating off too today. Do they even beat off these days or are they too busy practicing edging or whatever hipster version of tantric sex is popular now? Who gives a shit? If someone loves this album I’ll give them my foot up their professionally bleached California asshole.

Ironically (I don’t give a shit if I’m using it correctly and you probably don’t know either) the best song is probably “California” but that just means it doesn’t suck as bad as the others. It’s catchy and fun and it follows the sure-fire plan of mentioning a geographic place so someone in that place will at least care enough to play it once or twice. But the opening track, aptly named “Wrong” is something that only Dennis Reynolds or Buffalo Bill could love. The middle section of this album is just lively enough to not hate it if it was playing in the background as you get wasted at a festival. But the beginning and end are boring and loaded with synth nonsense, piss poor lyrics, and the worst vocals I’ve heard from this band so far. There are enough Passion Pit wannabes in the world, we need some rock bands to keep the torch burning. For christ’s sake, use a guitar and sing with some heart you prick, you’ll never open for Katy Perry either way.

The Airborne Toxic Event were never a perfect band. There were a few songs on each of their previous albums that I could never get into, but I liked that band as a whole. They recorded good songs like “Gasoline” and “Changing”, you know, good ROCK songs. Dope Machines just gives us intolerable crap like “My Childish Bride” a song that is frankly not even worthy of being called a pop song. And while at times it seemed like they would fit in on a late 80s/early-mid 90s leftover lunch playlist with bands like The Cure, The Smiths, and The Replacements, they always leaned more to the side of bands like Sponge rather than the side of New Order. I excused the excessive amount of songs about relationships and new wave influences because I really appreciated the nearly forgotten sound of early alternative rock that they featured. But it seems they forgot that sound now too. Fuck this album and every 20 year old wearing fluorescent pink and green that like it. Can’t wait to hear these songs in a Verizon commercial soon.

The Drink: A Kale Smoothie. Eat shit.

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Bake

I'm nothing. Maybe less than nothing. I also write.